Short answer: It's complicated.
All you feminists throw around words like “homophobia” and “bigot” and “hater” all the time when people don’t think being gay is normal. That’s bullshit, you know. I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t agree with that lifestyle.
— Imaginary Not-Homophobe
“Lifestyle (noun):
1. the habits, attitudes, tastes, moral standards, economic level, etc., that together constitute the mode of living of an individual or group.”
I’m sitting here going through my mental Rolodex (do physical Rolodexes even exist anymore? Do we need to update this analogy? Mental contact list? Mental address book app?) and thinking of all the gay people I know to take an inventory of the attitudes, tastes, moral standards, and economic levels that make up their modes of living. My one friend has gotten into CrossFit recently. Another friend likes gardening and plays guitar really well. A guy I used to work with loves going to theatre but can’t go as much since he and his husband had kids. My cousin just had her hip replaced.
Are these things the “gay lifestyle” you mean?
Of course they aren’t. These are boring, normal things that describe human people living in the USA in 2015. When people who "absolutely don’t hate or fear gay people" talk about a "gay lifestyle," they mean all the pervy sex gay people are allegedly having, probably while innocent pets can hear them. And while having lots of super-sexy sex may be the dominant activity for some gay people, most gay people have jobs and a biological need for food and sleep that prevent them from engaging in constant, terrifying-to-straight-people sex for 24 hours each day.
Sexual orientation is not a lifestyle, and gay people are not a monolith. Much as women are all individuals with different wants, needs, and preferences, so are gay people, bi people, asexual people, polyamorous people, and pansexual people (also people who present gender differently that the usual male/female binary but gender identity is a different thing than sexual orientation and will likely be the subject of a whole different essay). Sex and desire are a part of life for many people but are not the end all, be all of any individual.
Let’s put it this way: will your tombstone talk about the way you lived or whom you fucked? Exactly.
Feminists tend to get on board with making sure gay/bi/poly/pan/ace people are treated with dignity and respect, because dignity and respect are what feminists demand for themselves. We know that we can’t expect to be treated appropriately if we can’t also support appropriate treatment of other marginalized groups. That’s why when we see a Kim Davis-type wailing about the "gay lifestyle" that she can’t support, we step up to say “Come off it, lady. You can’t judge people by who they think is hot. You’re being a jerk.” Words like “homophobe,” “bigot,” and “hater” are the shorthand we use to identify jerks.
You can keep insisting that you don’t hate anyone, but if you can’t support the dignity of everyone else, well, you’re probably one of those jerks.
